With This Ring. . .

June 10 - Reverb Broads

What was your hardest parenting or partner moment? 

Suggested by Dana 

For better or worse, Jon and I have had fairly smooth sailing. We have our communication issues and we're really horrible about giving each other directions.  If you want to ensure we're both cranky, just put us in a car together and send us to someplace we've never been before.  At the very least we recognize this, but I'm not sure we're getting any better at it.


Still, the worst moment had to have been shortly after we were engaged and just as we were starting to look for rings.  It was a Saturday morning, each of us curled up in our couch corners discussing ring options. Jon says, "Oh, I already know what kind of ring I want."


I was so touched.  He'd been thinking about it.  He had images of what our life would be like together.  We could bond over this moment of shared sentimentality.  Yes, our engagement arose from a road trip talk, but this, this was romance.


"I don't want one."


In that moment, I went from the height of heights to the depth of depths.  I felt kicked in the gut and so hurt that even now I can't find the words to express myself.  I just stared at him, not able to speak. That big run up to romance up there? Shattered.  It was nil, nothing, dirt.

Fortunately Jon was able to read the hurt on my face.  Fortunately I was able to talk about it.

Since then I have learned that I need to tell Jon my expectations, up front.  If I'm hurt that he doesn't fulfill my expectations, it ought to be only if he knew what they were to begin with. The great thing, usually once I make my needs known, he does his very best to make it right.  Good Husband.

June 14 - Reverb Broads

In a world filled with more technological distractions than ever before, social networks, smart phones, etc, what strategies do you enforce in your life in order to stay focused on your goals and living life in real-time to the fullest? 

Suggested by Neha 

I really hope I'm not the only one to answer this way.  I'm hoping you all are better at experiencing life real time than I am.

I tend to spend too much time in front of screens. And then, even that time is not well spent.  I smash pigs, match gems, and blast balls with abandon. I should be writing for this blog or working on my novel or researching stuff or reading an actual book or crocheting or knitting or gardening or biking or something, but instead I'm sitting there trying to find the golden egg.

I find the following Heinlein quote applies to me - enslaved by the trivial.

“In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it.” 

How do you free yourself?

I Don't. It's My Own Fault

June 13 - Reverb Broads

What was your favorite childhood stuffed animal or toy? Do you still have it? Okay, admit it, do you still sleep with it sometimes? 

Suggested by Kassie 

This is not a pony.

I had to go to the parental sources on this one.  I don't remember any favorite toys. 

My dad said "Didn't you get a large pony from the grocery store in town? Cried because you didn't win the contest, so [Mr. C] got another stuffed pony and gave it to you."

Um, well, The Dad was partly right. According to The Mommy Person, "The cat was a promotional prize at the grocery store by some distributor. Slips of paper were put in a box and a winner was drawn. I explained to you that we would put your name in but many people were putting in their names. One day we went to the store and the cat was gone. I explained that someone else had won the cat. You were indeed very distraught. [Mr. C] contacted the distributor and got another cat, which he brought out to the house."

I remember the cat.  It was kind of irritating because it wouldn't stand up right, but it was big enough to curl up against it's belly as a neck and shoulder pillow.  I do remember that.

One of these is a cookie monster.
It's not the fuzzy green one.

So, I asked my mom if she remembered any favorite toys and she said, "The Cookie Monster stuffed toy. I think I have a picture." Turns out she meant this picture.

Big Giant Sigh.

I don't remember Oscar.

I really don't remember many of my childhood toys.  I remember getting a Lite-Brite.  I remember playing with Play-Doh. I remember my dad putting up a tire swing for me.  I had a swing set and a sand box.

I can't go back and look through those long forgotten toys to see what I'm missing.  When I was a high school freshman (freshwoman?), I developed a fascination with candles and melted wax.  In an attempt to get a bunch of melted wax I left a large pillar candle burning.  In my closet. When I wasn't there. And subsequently set my parents' house on fire.

Fortunately no one was hurt.  My room was completely destroyed and there was plenty of smoke and water damage throughout the rest of the house.  My kid stuff gone in an instant. It provided a clean break between child and teen. I remember very little of my room "before" and I don't play with candles.

My Left Turn

June 12 - Reverb Broads

What was the best decision you ever made? 

Suggested by Niki 

Turn Left*

I don't spend a lot of time muddling over my decisions once I make them. Anyone in my family (and especially my brother) is likely to tell you, I tend to think too much before making a decision. More than once I have been afflicted with analysis paralysis.

But once the decision is made, I don't spend too much time evaluated the decision. What’s done is done. But there is one decision that has directly led to where I am today; one that represents two paths that would have led to very different outcomes. I’m not going to say it’s a “Donna Noble, Turn Left” sort of decision, but for me, it was world changing and I ended up temping more than once as a result. Since I'm content with the current state of my life, I'm content with that decision. Admittedly, though, there have been times I wondered if I should have chosen the other path.

  

Once upon a long time ago I worked for a college bookstore chain. I started working for the bookstore part-time when I was an under-grad. Following graduation I found myself working there full-time and rapidly became the textbook manager. I was able to spend time in the back room solving problems regarding getting books on the shelf. I like to think I was pretty good at it, too. Along the way I settled into a nice, if small Chicago life.  I had friends, I had favorite restaurants, I was settled.

In 1999, with two years of department management experience, I was given the opportunity to move to Minnesota to manage a college bookstore of my own. I took that opportunity, excited for the possibility of a new place to make my own way. Feeling successful from my department experience, I felt assured of success in my new venture.

  

I was a spectacular failure.

• Among other things, I am not a people person. I am an introvert who gets satisfaction and energy from solving problems with words and spreadsheets. I don’t like being disturbed; I don’t want to meet tons of new people every day. A textbook manager can have that sort of existence. A store manager cannot. A store manager must be able to solve people-problems, not thing-problems.  
• Furthermore, I had plenty of experience with textbooks, but really had no idea how to manage the rest of the store. I could manage books, but not staff, customers, or non-book merchandise.  
• Not to mention that I had no awareness or acceptance of how different the two stores were. I foolishly believed that the way things worked in one store would work in another.  
• I was 24. Too close in age to the part-time college student employees and so didn’t know how to earn their respect and too far in age from my peers at the college to feel comfortable with them.  
• I had no idea how to ask for help or how to accept what help came my way. . I felt like I was on a little island of solid ground and all around me was darkness. I told my manager that I knew there are things that I’m supposed to be doing, these things in the darkness that needed light, but I didn’t know what they are. The tasks, duties, and responsibilities that were self-evident to him were beyond me. Because I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing, I didn’t even know what I was doing wrong. 

In my paltry defense, the company I worked for was not all that good at supporting their new managers. They seemed to let us sink or swim. They made the mistake (and not just with me) that a department manager would make a good store manager. I suspect that the assistant manager at that store, upset that she wasn’t promoted, may have (with or without intent) made things more difficult for me.

Approximately six months after my arrival, my manager gave me a choice: Move back to Chicago and run the textbook department at a different store or leave the company.

It was a hard decision. I missed Chicago. I missed the friends and the world I had there. But I was already aware that retail was a poisonous environment for me. I chose to leave the company and that meant staying in Minnesota.

Thirteen years later, I’m still here. Since that time I’ve had supportive managers and some great jobs. I’ve learned how to ask questions and evaluate my environment. I still have the tendency to assume that what worked before with work again, but know I know I need to allow for tweaks and variations. I’ve learned to ask for help before I get so lost that I can’t be found. I earned a Master’s degree. I’ve learned to make choices that support me and my mental health. I met and married my husband and we’re building a home together. Now I get to buy books and don't have to worry about selling them.

 Seems like it was a pretty good decision to me.
---------
*Also, my mother is way more supportive than Donna's.

Yarn Arts FTW!

June 9 - Reverb Broads

What skill have you learned in the past year that you are proud of? 

Suggested by Bethany 

I've learned to knit! 


I've known how to crochet since high school, but until just recently had never put the effort into truly learning to knit.  And for the record, I had a pretty awesome teacher, Jenni from The Twisted Loop Yarn Shop, the yarn shop at our local public library. Yep, that's right, there's a yarn store at the library. So, come visit.  I'll take you to the yarn store to meet Jenni.


Project 1 - The hat from the noobie knitting class

In progress

Finished

Project 2 - The hat from the Faire Isle Class

So now I have another fun and engaging hobby. And another way to make homemade gifts for people. And a new friend woo hoo

Lookouts and Libraries

June 8- Reverb Broads

What are your favorite decorative items/pieces of furniture/household features? 

Suggested by Kristen 

370 days ago we met with our mortgage banker to get pre-approved for mortgage.  We had started looking for a new house and thus far had been quite disappointed with our findings.  We had an idea of what we wanted, but nothing was clicking. 369 days ago we went to an open house and fell in love with

This is not our stuff.  This is what we saw at the open house.

Absolutely the best feature of our new home is the two story living room with the west-northwest facing floor-to-ceiling picture windows. The place is open and airy.  The previous owners had chosen great paint colors as well. And we love it.

But still, sometimes changes are necessary to really make it your own.

We converted the dining room. . .

Woo Hoo? Builder beige carpeting, but we love the red.

. . . into an office.

Maple flooring, cherry desktop and file drawers

And what was used as an office, but technically a first floor bedroom . . .

Great blue.  Nasty, nasty, nasty gray Berber carpeting

 . . .Into a library (with books grouped by subject and then in alpha-by-author-editor order)

Maple flooring, cherry woodwork, and a storage window seat

The dream house is more of a reality every day.  And that's my favorite part.

 

I Prefer My Pants Not Burn

June 7 - Reverb Broads

List 8 reasons it's okay to lie. 

Suggested by Katrina 

When I first saw this prompt it scared me.  It still scares me.  Eight reasons to lie? Really? There are that many reasons? I'm not a Kantian, per se, but I do believe in performing universalizable actions, so in general, one should not ever lie because what if everyone lied.  After reading some of the other Reverb Broads' responses, I feel a little better about my own and other's lies, but...

As a child I lied.  To my recollection it was usually about illicit cookie consumption and was quite an issue in our home.  Eventually, and I don't know why it was successful, but it was, my mother said it was important to be honest and for people to trust me and if I ever had to be in court and people couldn't trust then that would be bad. Yes, that memory is a horrible run-on sentence.  Likely it was not, in actuality, said as such.

Since then, I've tried not to lie.  Skirt the truth, yes, but out and out lie, not so much. Then I read some of the other Reverb Broads posts.  Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy - yes, keep that story going as long as possible.  Rain on someone else's parade when I could just let it pass me by - well, you've got a point there.  Having something else to do when so-and-so calls, yes.  Well bleepity, bleep. I'm lying all the time.

After further thought, it seems there are two conditions when lying is permissible.  And right now, I'm changing my mind.* So, it's possible there are two conditions when lying is permissible.

Yes, some days do require 5 liters

The first, and without a doubt are the social niceties.  I will let you like your amazing accessory, fantastic footwear, and colorful coat.  If they make you happy and feel good about yourself, then good, I'm glad you like them (just as long as you don't feel compelled to get one for me, in which case, it looks great on you, but it just doesn't seem like the thing for me).  There are few things more powerful than wearing clothes that make you feel good about yourself.  Along that line there are the standard sorts of lies that work as social WD-40 that help get us out of those daily sticky situations. So, in all fairness, this is the number one and likely mostly indisputable reason to lie.

As I started that paragraph up there, I was going to say that it's acceptable to lie to children to help them maintain the magic and innocence of their young lives.  I was amused by a fellow Broad's story of the neighborhood "Music" truck. But then I remembered. I remembered the complete and utter devastation I felt when told that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy might not be quite as real as the chair I'm sitting on.  I believe children are capable of handling far more than adults are willing to tell them. Children, who may not be able to grasp the enormity of certain concepts can certainly grasp how it affects their daily life.  Please, do not tell your child that grandpa has just gone to sleep.  Explain death and the funeral.  Help them learn to grieve.

Learning the truth can be so very painful for children. The absolute trust they had placed in the authority figure is destroyed.  I think my distress at learning that the invisible gift-givers of my youth were not real was the loss of faith in what was told to me.  If Santa isn't real, what else isn't real?  Did anyone else read Cronin's The Passage?** In the new society, children are raised in a protected environment and the truth of their society kept from them until they reach a specific age.  Say 10 or 12.  I don't remember and I'm not finding the answer after 30 seconds of an internet search.  The kids are devastated. D.E.V.A.S.TA.T.E.D. Most of them will never again talk to the person who told them the truth. Now, granted, that was an author's exaggeration, but the point is when the child learns the truth, they also learn a little bit more about distrust and pain.

By all means, inspire mystery in the kids.  But tell them the basics.  Tell them more than you think they're able to handle, they'll surprise you. And tell them about Santa, but maybe in a way (and I get to say this because I have no kids and so get to write all this in ignorant bliss) that tells more about the spirit than about a person.

Six more reasons to lie? I can't find them, but I'm sure that if I'm caught with my pants on fire, I'll find a way to explain it away.

___________
*Just prior to writing that sentence, I had image after image of my life scrolling through my head. The flip-flopping going on in my head was remarkable.  Honestly, I'm amazed I don't have a headache for all the thoughts rattling around within my skull.

**Please don't.  There are what could be a couple of good short stories in there, but pretty much it's a whole lotta nothing.  I really wish I could see what the 5-star reviewers saw in it.